Assalamualaikum dan salam sejahtera diucapkan kepada semua pembaca.
Saya bukannya ustaz atau pakar dalam bidang kekeluargaan. Tujuan saya menulis ini adalah untuk peringatan kepada diri saya sendiri. Saya fikir, daripada simpan sendirian, adalah lebih baik untuk saya sampaikan kepada orang ramai agar boleh menjadi pedoman.
I actually have rehearsed telling this to people too many times. Every time a friend is about to get married, I prepare myself for the question, "Fahmi, ada tak tips yang aku patut tahu sebelum kahwin?"
However, being the introvert and sort of anti-social that I am, the chance for me to share tips or stories never came. Therefore, here I am, sitting alone, writing it down here.
Like I mentioned, I am not an expert in relationship and all but for those who don't know, I have been married since 11 November 2011. There are ups and so many downs in my marriage but I am still married so maybe you can learn a thing or two from me. Besides that, bare in mind that this is written from my point of view as a man, a husband and a father.
Baiklah, shall we get started?
AGAMA
Kepada yang beragama Islam, pegangan agama adalah sangat penting khususnya pada kaum lelaki / bakal suami.
I have to admit that I am not the most religious person ever. There are many things that I should improve in terms of being religious. Sembahyang pun belum sempurna lagi.
Take a lot around. Think about your friends. I bet mesti ada ramai kawan perempuan anda yang tiba - tiba bertudung selepas berkahwin. Sebelum kahwin atau semasa masih belajar, ada yang sememangnya sangat bergaya dengan pakaian seksi dan rambut yang ikal mayang tetapi selepas berkahwin, mereka bergaya pula dengan tudung hijabista, Hana Tajima dan macam macam lagi.
My wife pun sama. Kawan - kawan satu kolej pasti ingat yang isteri saya dahulu tidak memakai tudung dan boleh dikatakan sangat bergaya dengan macam macam fesyen pemakaian. So cute and chic. Tetapi kira kira beberapa bulan sebelum berkahwin, beliau tergerak hati untuk memakai tudung dan ia berterusan sehingga kini.
My point is, apa yang saya cuba untuk sampaikan ialah, sejahil jahil mana pun kita atau pasangan kita, akan ada satu masa yang kita atau pasangan akan berubah. Ramai yang menganggap yang perkahwinan adalah satu titik penamat bagi segala aktiviti dan kelakuan yang kurang keagamaan dan permulaan untuk kehidupan yang lebih dekat dengan Allah.
Jadi, pada yang ingin berkahwin, bersiap sedialah diri anda dengan ilmu agama.
Bagi yang lelaki, pastikan anda tahu rukun iman, rukun islam dan rukun nikah kerana tok kadi saya dulu tanya benda benda tu semasa akad nikah. Selawat juga. Malu lah jika anda lupa benda benda tersebut semasa dikelilingi oleh saudara saudara dan rakan rakan di majlis akad nikah.
Kemudian, pastikan juga para lelaki tahu bagaimana untuk menjadi imam kepada isteri khususnya untuk sembahyang Maghrib, Isya' dan Subuh. Tiga waktu sembahyang ini, imam kena baca surah surah dengan kuat, jadi hafal la surah surah lazim. Tidak ketinggalan juga doa selepas solat.
I have to say, saya masih lagi fail bab bab sembahyang ni. Rasa malu dengan isteri kerana hanya surah surah basic sahaja mampu dilafazkan. Doa lepas sembahyang pun entah apa apa. Maafkan saya sayang. I'll try to be a better imam for you.
Memang betullah kalau kita bagi nasihat kepada orang lain, ia juga peringatan untuk diri sendiri. Terus terasa di hati.
Back to the topic, para lelaki juga harus tahu tentang nafkah. Saya juga agak jahil tentang perkara ini. It turns out that, duit suami adalah hak isteri dan duit isteri adalah hak isteri. Jika isteri bekerja, gaji isteri itu 100 % milik isteri. Terpulanglah kepada isteri untuk buat apa dengan duit dia. Nak kongsi atau tak, up to her. Suami pula have to provide for the family.
Again, I'm no expert. Jika ada yang salah, sila betulkan.
Setiap bulan, suami wajib bagi nafkah kepada isteri. Wang yang diberikan haruslah diumumkan untuk tujuan apa. For example, every month, setiap kali bagi wang kepada isteri, saya akan beritahu, "Yang ini untuk nafkah, yang ini pula untuk belanja. Cukup tak?".
Nafkah batin pula bukanlah semata mata hubungan intim sesama mahram. Nafkah batin bermaksud suami wajib menggembirakan isteri, melayan kerenah isteri, bergurau senda, be a shoulder to cry on and etc.
Haih, as I'm typing this, memang sedar yang banyak kekurangan saya ni. I'm sorry honey.
Kemudian, tidak lupa tanggungjawab suami untuk mendidik anak anak tentang hal hal agama. Suami kena lah bersama sama isteri untuk mengajar anak tentang macam macam.
Banyak tanggungjawab suami ni. Sebelum kahwin, honestly, I didn't think that the burden would be big. I just wish that someone explained to me how heavy it is the load that husbands have to carry. Now that I'm married, the pressure is so so real.
The big point is, pasangan yang ingin berkahwin harus ingat yang, walaupun pasangan yang jahil, namun akan datang masa yang pasangan kita tiba tiba ingin berubah. Just prepare yourselves for at least the basics. Seriously, without religion, tanpa agama, sesuatu hubungan rumah tangga itu seperti kurang bermakna dan tiada pedoman. I'm talking from experience. Kuatkanlah iman kita.
ANAK
Dalam banyak banyak ayat yang Ustaz Ebit Lew bagi, yang saya paling ingat ialah; "Anak adalah amanah, bukan hak milik". My mind was blown when he said that. I always thought that, "Eh, anak aku, ikut suka hati aku la buat apa kat dia, kan?"
But no, anak merupakan amanah daripada Allah untuk kita jaga betul - betul.
Would I recommend having kids? Haha, no. I won't recommend you having kids because it is an enormous responsibility. Tanggungjawab sebagai ibu bapa adalah lebih lebih lebih besar daripada menjadi seorang suami / isteri.
Before you decide that you want kids, you have to really look into yourselves and ponder, "Am I really ready to be a daddy / mummy?"
If you're still in a honeymoon state, I would suggest you wait longer before having kids. Kalau anda masih lagi ada perasaan untuk keluar dating bersama tanpa gangguan dan kerisauan, kalau anda ingin mengembara ke seluruh pelusuk dunia, kalau anda masih lagi ingin bebas, tak payah ada anak dulu.
Saya tahu, ramai yang berkata atau berfikir yang kita patut ada anak secepat mungkin. Selepas kahwin, terus pulun! Saya sendiri pun mendapat cahaya mata yang pertama selepas setahun kahwin.
To be honest, sometimes I wish I don't have kids. Not because I don't love my kids. God, I swear, I love my children. But there are moments when I just want to be a kid myself and I can't do that while being a father. I want to be selfish, I want to have my own time, I want a childhood that I don't really have. If I can just turn back time, I would go back to when I was a college kid with no worries, no big responsibilities.
Welp, too late. I can't undo this. My kids are here and I have to deal with them the best I can. Sebelum ada anak, boleh keluar bila bila masa, balik lewat, pergi mana mana tanpa kerisauan. Sekarang dah ada anak, kena cari masa untuk keluar. Keluar pun, hati tetap fikir pasal anak anak. Kalau bawa anak pergi jalan jalan, kena fikir macam macam. Selesa tak, ada tak tempat untuk anak tidur petang, menghadap tantrum dan manja diorang. Ya Allah, sangat leceh ada anak ni.
As I mentioned, it is also a big responsibility because we determine how our children will grow. Like people said, "Kalau nak tengok perangai sebenar seseorang, tengok perangai anak dia". This is so true. Pantang salah mencarut sikit, boom budak budak ni ulang. Pantang tersilap pukul sedikit, boom budak budak ikut pukul kalau frustrated.
Having a child, kita kena jaga tingkah laku kita, percakapan kita, pergaulan kita sebab semua benda pun anak akan ikut.
Selain itu, having children requires you to be the most patient person in the world. For example, jika anak mengamuk, tantrum, ketika di shopping mall. HUAAAA NAK TOYS!!! NAK TOYS!! bergolek tak tentu pasal. Kita tak boleh join tantrum TAK BOLEHHHHH! ARGGHHH! Nope. Kita sebagai ibu bapa kena sabar dan cakap elok elok kat anak. Kalau kita pun ikut jerit sekali, anak pun dua kali ganda jerit dia. Mampuih. Perlu sabar dan dalam masa yang sama, tidak boleh mengalah. Kalau kita mengalah dan beri dia apa yang dia nak, next time dia akan mengamuk lagi jika kita cakap tak boleh.
Anda juga perlu tahu yang semakin besar anak, semakin susah untuk kita menjaganya. Bagi saya, saat paling senang untuk menjaga anak ialah semasa mereka baby lagi. Lapar? Suap makanan. Mengantuk? Kita dodoi. Bosan? Kita dukung. Tapi bila dah besar, Ya Allah macam macam kerenah dia ada.
I cannot blame them though. When they grow up, they develop new emotions that they are not familiar with. They don't know how to cope with these new feelings and the easiest way to let it out is by throwing tantrums.
I don't blame them for having tantrums but boy oh boy it's hard to handle. I think most parents would know the feeling of wanting to picit picit kepala budak ni while still loving the hell out of them.
Okay, back to the main point, if you want kids, think carefully. Consider about not being free, consider about having to deal with tantrums days and nights. Consider about bergaduh dengan pasangan sebab anak anak buat hal. I would suggest young couples to enjoy being with each other as much as you can before having children. Don't rush it. I know, your parents asyik mengeluh bila la nak dapat cucu niiiiiiiii.... Tapi yang kena jaga anak ialah kita, bukan parents kita. Jadi pastikan anda betul betul bersedia mentally and physically dulu, sebelum pulun buat anak.
MENTAL HEALTH
As I mentioned above, being a husband or wife is a huge responsibility and if it's added with the enormous responsibility of being a parent plus a side of financial concerns and work stress, it is easy for a married person to be overwhelmed.
To be honest, I myself have gone through periods of mild depression. Well, I didn't really go to see a doctor to get properly diagnosed but the reading that I did all pointed to me being mildly depressed.
The cause of my depression was non other than the gigantic amount of responsibility on my shoulder top with the guilt of not doing everything right and also not having enough resources for focus on my own wants and needs.
It was killing me inside. It affected my relationship, my work, how I view myself and among other things. I didn't feel like doing anything and I didn't want to meet anyone. I hated people. Making it worse was I don't really have a friend to just hang out. Being an introvert, I do cherish every alone time I have but we all need at least one friend.
I used to love being me but now I hate myself occasionally. I used to not want to die but now dying not seems so bad. THIS REALLY SCARES ME THE MOST.
The thing about being an introvert is, I also was aware of mental state because I spent a lot of time pondering about myself. That's the beauty of being alone, you get to spend quality time with yourself. So, knowing how I was falling into a hole of cold hell, I decided to find out ways to overcome or lessen my depression.
I started gaming. Counter Strike: Global Offensive is a game that I've always wanted to play. I didn't play it before because I kept thinking I have too many things to do and I'm an adult now so stop being childish bro. Besides, CSGO is an online game where you have to interact with other players. Being introvert, the idea was quite daunting. However, I can say that CSGO sort of saved my life. Yeah, there are a handful of toxic gamers out there that love putting people like me down but there are also many many supportive gamers who are friendly and chill.
Playing CSGO for me is more than just trying to enjoy a game. Playing CSGO is me hanging out with my friends at a few bomb sites. We have never met in real life but my CSGO friends are chill and we have fun together making jokes and making fun of each other. Many of them are way younger than me but that does not stop them from accepting me.
Having these online friends seems better than having real ones haha.
Besides gaming, I also started going out more. I go to movies alone. I only limit myself to only seeing superhero movies which means I only go around once a month or once every two months but it is better than not seeing any movies at all. Sometimes I don't do anything at all. I just sit at a restaurant and watch people like what I used to do during college.
The big point here is, it is easy for a family person to fall into depression but instead of letting yourself fall deeper and deeper into that cold and lonely hole, do something to get yourself out.
Depression is no joke. If you find yourself being crazy, do something. Work out, play sports, go to a park, walk around, read good books and etc. If you can't bring yourself to do all those, go see a doctor. There are pills that can really help and psychiatrists can help you put yourselves together.
If you see people you know showing signs of depression, try to help him/her. You don't have to really try hard to help a depressed person. Most depressed people tend to feel useless and unwanted. A simple text message asking "Hey, how are you" can make a huge difference. A half an hour of hanging out drinking coffee can make a huge difference.
FAMILY
My wife is a wise person. When we first got married, she said - "Keluarga you, keluarga I jugak." She told me that I shouldn't refer to her mother as 'mak you' but instead, I should just refer her as 'mak kita'. Our mother instead of your mom.
What I am trying to say is, when we got married, keluarga pasangan kita akan menjadi keluarga kita juga. Dua keluarga menjadi satu.
When it comes to family, acceptance is key. There are always a few family members that are problematic. We all have that crazy siblings or relatives. But because they are family, we have to accept them and be patient.
Jika ada ahli keluarga pasangan kita yang buat hal, jangan sesekali berkata, "Ini semua adik you punya pasal!" atau "Family you ni memang selalu bermasalah, kan?" No no no. Ingat, adik beradik pasangan kita adalah adik beradik kita juga. Keluarga pasangan kita adalah keluarga kita juga. Jadi, kita patut usaha bantu adik beradik ipar kita. Kita patut sabar dengan perangai mereka seperti kita sabar dengan ahli keluarga kandung kita sendiri. Terima mereka seadanya.
Do you get what I mean? The reason this is important is because I have seen so many divorces happened because the families did not unite. Apabila bergaduh, keluarga isteri memihak kepada isteri dan keluarga suami memihak kepada si suami. Ini salah. Seharusnya kedua dua keluarga berbincang bersama sama, dengar cerita dari dua dua pihak sebelum membuat keputusan. There are always two sides of a story.
Okay, so far, this is all of the tips that I can think of. If I have more, I would post on this topic again. Again, this is based on my own experience and I am no expert. If there are mistakes, please comment.
Cheers.
