Hi peeps.

Just got to get stuff out of my chest.

Lately, I have been feeling not as fine as usual. Usually, I would be able to say to myself that I like the way I am and I am comfortable in my own skin. Welp, lately, I am having trouble believing those words.

I might be feeling a bit depressed. Work and the sacrifices of being a husband and father are putting a toll on me. I found myself delaying my work a lot and it is unhealthy. It is like I am sabotaging myself.

I am also always tired. Sometimes I feel tired for no reason. That's the main reason why I feel that I am depressed. It's like there is a huge burden on my shoulders and I am carrying it around everywhere I go, all the time. Plus, I don't really have friends.

I have been doing some reading about depression and I found that it is linked to many suicide cases.

I think people who are close to me know that I am depressed as I am not really trying to hide it. Sometimes it is obvious to see. People keep commenting, "Hey, you look so tired." and "Hey, something's bothering you?"

So, this post serves two purpose which are to clarify, yes, I am quite unhappy with myself and secondly, No, I will not kill myself.

The first one I have elaborated briefly in the first few paragraphs. Now, come to second part.

I want all of you to know that I am not a fan of suicide. Never ever crossed my mind that I want to kill myself, no matter how hard it is.

If given a choice, I would want to live forever. I have always fantasize that if I could choose a superpower, I would choose to have Wolverine's powers. No, not the metal claws and adamantium skeletons thing. Those things are forcefully put into him. I would have preferred to have his extreme healing powers.

Why would I want to live longer? Well, I am curious of what the world become in the future. I would love to see flying cars and awesome robots. I would love to see how far humans would venture out in space.

Okay, maybe I won't be able to see all of that since I don't have that kind of power. But there are also other things to look forward to. For instance, superhero movies. It is very obvious that I love superheroes and I also much enjoy watching movies. So, superhero movies always thrill me. They thrill me enough to not kill myself.

I hope I can see Black Panther soon.

Hehe, yeah I know. My reason is so not cliche. Other people would say that they won't kill themselves because of their family. They don't want their family and loved ones to suffer.

Of course I don't want them to feel sad. I love them.

But it is more important that I do things because it comes from within me. Intrinsic motivation is better than extrinsic ones, in my opinion.

So, yeah, no matter how hard the struggle is, I won't end my life because there is always something to look forward to. I think that is why no matter how hard, I keep waking up every morning and do things that is need to be done.

I would want so bad to curl up in a hole and just stay there but I want to see stuff. Being inside in a cave of sadness won't feed my curiosity and interests.

If you are feeling depressed and having trouble getting out of your bed, please go deep inside yourselves to find something to look forward for. No matter how silly or small, hey, at least it is something.