Today, as soon as I reached the office, I noticed that I was not wearing a belt. Luckily my pants were tight enough that they didn't fall down. 

I also didn't brush my teeth because I just got back from my in laws last night and didn't have time to unpack my toothbrush. 

My hair is now a mess and my face needs shaving. 

I am a freakin' mess. 

However, I managed to get my kid ready for school and I reached work on time so that is what really matters. 

Right? 

I don't know. 

As the title says, I feel like I am stuck in the middle. The middle of what, you might ask. Well, the middle of everything. 

I don't really care about how I look but at the same time I kinda don't want to look like a homeless person. 

I want and try to do good stuff but yeah, I am also a little bit naughty and a truant. 

I want to finish up some personal projects but I am so distracted by other things. 

I have to be a dad and a husband and be a 31 year old adult however there's a child in me that is trying to come out at every opportunity. 

I want to be a good Muslim and keep telling myself to be better and better but nope. The devil within is strong. 

I want to be a good son but at the same time, there's this rebel inside saying, "Hey, you've done enough." 

Do you see what I mean? I just can't go across. I am stuck on a bridge of self doubt and procrastination. 

I want to move away but yeah I am feeling comfortable enough to stay. 

I want to be selfish but it's not me. I try to think for myself but at the same time, I just can't let go of my responsibilities. 

What is this? What the hell. 

I think if I stay on this bridge any longer, it would collapse under the weight of my endless piles of unfinished projects. 

I need to cross because I can't go back. 

I wish I can go back. I wish I knew better. but if I go back, the things I gained during my journey would be left behind and I would end up with nothing. 

Besides moving across and going back, there is another option. I could jump off the bridge into the abyss of the unknown. But just realizing about the third option make me think about my own mental health. 

Am I suicidal? I hope not. 

I mean, the thought of suicide looks kinda tempting. I am tired. A bit of rest would be good. If I could just shut my eyes... 

No. Please no. I don't want to. 

I have to cross this damn bridge.