It was around 2.00 am and it was quite dark as the Lebuhraya Pantai Timur (LPT) were not lit by street lights. I was going steady 110km per hour and my kids were sleeping in their own carseats at the back. I wanted to go faster but no, gotta stay calm and focused. I was halfway from Port Dickson to Kuala Terengganu but the distance seemed too great to bear.

Then, the call came. "Mi, Abah takdok doh...", my uncle, my father's brother said. 

Another call came. "Angoh. Abah takdok doh ni..." 

I thought I couldn't cry harder before I answered those calls and boy, I was wrong. I just couldn't control my wet face and it got all distorted and my chest hurt. Though I didn't stop. I kept driving. 

Yes, on the 18th of March 2018, my father, my abah passed away due to stroke. 

A little background story, when I was in kindergarten, I think, abah had a heart transplant where his heart was replaced by an artificial one. Because of that, he needed to take pills to thin his blood because the artificial heart could not do that for him. So, whenever he had injuries, usually the blood would keep flowing until the effect of those pills worn off. Without those pills, his blood would be too thick that it won't flow. 

There were a few times where he had to be warded just because of a small injury like his tooth fell off or a small cut because his blood could not form a clot because of those pills he took. The small wounds would kept on bleeding and bleeding until the effect of the pills worn off. 

Keeping that into context, when he had the stroke a day before he passed, he had bleedings in his brain and lungs. Some veins ruptured and it caused some internal bleeding. The doctor could stop the bleedings with surgery but abah's blood was too thin, it would be extremely dangerous to cut him up. 

I'm not a doctor and I was not there when the doctor diagnosed the problem but this is how I would explain it to everyone about what caused his death. Abah had a stroke and the bleeding won't stop. 

My brother said the doctor told them that usually it would take days or weeks or months for a stroke to become fatal but it took less than a day for it to kill my father. The internal bleeding would not stop. 

Because it happened to fast, I didn't have the chance to look him in his eyes for the last time and it sort of haunted me. But at least I was able to be there to give him his last 'bath'. 

I arrived at the hospital at Kuala Terengganu at around 5.00 am and went straight to the forensic building. I gave my ma a hug. It hurt to see her hurt like that and I wanted so much to curl into a ball and hide my face forever but I gotta be strong for my ma. 

She said to me, "Angoh dok sempat tengok abah tapi sekurang kurangnya angoh boleh lagi berkhidmat buat kali terakhir". 

To tell you the truth, I was afraid to go into the 'bathing' area because I was worried that I wouldn't be able to appropriately perform my duties. I mean, I had gone through kursus mandikan jenazah before but it was a couple of years ago and I couldn't recall the procedure. Besides, it would be the first time I ever saw a dead body. Honestly, I hesitated. 

Alhamdulillah, now I am totally glad I went into the room and mandikan arwah abah. It gave me closure. If I hadn't, I am convinced that I would have not accept his death the way I am now. 

There were two people assisting and instructing us four brothers on how to properly mandikan jenazah abah which was very helpful. It went quickly and without any difficulty. 

Even though the process of mandikan jenazah went smoothly, it wasn't actually easy for me. Semasa meratakan air di seluruh badan abah, I couldn't stop crying. I cried so hard, even harder than when I heard the news of his death. It hurt so bad.

I remember when the person assisting us poured water onto his face, I wanted to stop him. "Stop. You're drowing him", I was about to say. But I was able to control myself. "Fahmi. He's gone..... The water won't hurt him."

I also remember staring at abah's face and thinking, "It's like he's sleeping... but he's not." I cannot describe how he looked but yeah, he seemed like he was in a deep slumber. I... I don't know how to describe it... 

I touched his skin... I touched his finger... My father... He's gone and it hurt.

Again, I would like to say, the process of mandikan jenazah gave me some sort of a closure. Yes, it was extremely tough but it was necessary to go through it. It was also a duty for me as a son and my ma was counting on me. 

Then, the two people assisted us to put on the kain kapan. 

After everything was done, abah was sent back home to Kerteh 4 in a van jenazah. 

One thing you have to know about my father is, he was a friendly and helpful person. Because of that, he had many friends. When we arrived home, there were already so many people at our house just waiting to see him and wanting to help in any way they could. 

The most helpful person was one of the neighbors, Pak Ri. Abah's death was so sudden that we barely prepare anything but Pak Ri handled almost everything. Thanks to him, the funeral process went smoothly.

Before Abah was laid to rest, ma allowed some time for Abah's friends and our family members to see him for one last time. Like I said, Abah had many friends and he helped many people, so people kept on coming to see him. It was wonderful and heart breaking to see. 

Everything went smoothly. The funeral was without a hitch. Alhamdulillah. 

At first, it was tough. But now I think I am okay. I do think of him like everyday and whenever I do, it still hurt but it's not as bad as a couple of days after he passed. I think that's why I am able to write this now. 

To tell you the truth, I had regrets. If I could, I don't want to disclose them but I just have to vent. To tell you the truth, he was a good father... but he was not the best. 

Maybe I am a bit bitter but I wanted more from him. You see, my family is not the lovey dovey type. We are not the type of family that would have meals together and share our feelings and experience to each other. I mean, we do love each other, but...... we rarely show it. 

I couldn't remember when was the last time he hugged me.... and trust me when I say I need hugs from him, so much. I think I am also to blame for not asking to be hugged but I just wish so much that he would just come to me and hug me and just..... I need him to hug me. 

We rarely talk to each other and I blame myself for it because I am such a quiet stupid dork but I just wish that he would spend more time with me.... 

Like I said, he liked to help people. Whenever there's a funeral or a majlis tahlil or kenduri kahwin, he would be among the first to help. He would help slaughter cows, siang daging, do this and do that for our neighbors and friends. I just wish...... I just wish that he would take me with him to those sort of events. 

Truth be told, I have only been to three funerals including his. I didn't know what to do and expect when people started to carry his body to the cemetary. Do I need to be there? What should I do when I'm there? Help out? How?? It scared me. I just wished that he would just take me to help with all the funerals he helped and teach me what to do. 

There are many times I blame him for me being such an anti social douche. He never prepared me for anything.... I am bitter because of that. 

Whenever people of Kerteh 4 look at me, I immediately think that they can see how different I am compared to him. He was this great, helpful, friendly guy. everyone's bro while I am just..... me. This is one of the reasons why I don't miss Kerteh 4. 

Gosh, the truth keeps pouring out, huh? I may hurt some people for writing this and I should stop but I just can't.........fiahghwHGFIWhghiHGWghiGHE

UFUHeuofgW'GNVRhIHGKRWGNVKS

WhfwHGRIKN

JJNJNLNN

I wish he would love me more so I can love him more. You get what I mean? 

I am also bitter that my brothers seem to get what they want from him (and ma) while I have to work hard and wait a long time to get what I want. 

I want a camera so bad and waited so long to finally buy a cheap but satisfactory one but my brother was able to get an expensive DSLR easily. I have always wanted a gaming PC and my brother can easily own it and now enjoying himself playing online games while I am only able to watch Youtube videos of people playing games. HE PROMISED ME A CAR AND THEN GAVE IT TO MY BROTHER. 

It's my fault for not asking for those stuff..... Me and my stupid quiet mouth. If I asked, I think he would give me what I wanted.... But it's not my style to ask for stuff. 

Besides, all my life before I finally got out from Kerteh 4, I had been really good. He said it himself. Angoh tu baik, tak pernah lawan cakap, selalu tolong jaga kedai....... I had been an obedient child and therefore I expected some kind of a reward.

Where's my reward, abah? 

I want so much to study arts and design but no... Jadi pelukis ni tiada masa depan.... THEN WHY MY BROTHER BOLEH???? 

Gosh.... I am sorry. 

But put yourself in my shoes. I just want to be loved. I know. I honestly know that he loved me. I just wish he would show it. 

Sigh. Guys. My dad, my abah was a great guy. 

One thing I adore most about him is how he could turn his life around. 

To be honest, he wasn't always a kopiah wearing orang masjid. I was there to witness his menacing side before he changed into a better person. At that time, my oldest brother was taken care by my grandmother and my other two younger bros were too young to understand. He did bad things. He disappeared, leaving me and ma to take care of ourselves. It was rough for me and I was in school at that time. When he and ma fought, I didn't have anywhere else to go. I felt so alone.... 

But yeah, he turned his life around. He started to change when he found Allah. People no longer see him as a bad person. Most people now remember him as the guy who never failed to go to the surau even though he's ill. People now remember him as the kopiah wearing, religious guy. 

Yeah, that's the best thing about him. 

There is a surau behind our house and he contributed a lot for it. He was in charge of financial stuff for the surau and from a small wooden house, the surau had grown to be so much more. According to out neighbor, Pak Ri, whenever the surau committee decided on something, Abah would never fail to find the funding. You want Coway water filter? He would find the money. You want to paint the surau? Abah would have the money ready. 

I think Abah's funeral went smooth because of how much he contributed to the surau. Hopefully, as long as people keep using the surau, the pahala would keep on piling on him and his grave would be brighter and wider. 

He was a great guy... and I wish I can be like him. I wish shine a welcoming aura to all people like how he did. 

And yes, I do know he loved me. 

My favorite memory of him is when I was small, he would take me to breakfast at a warung and we would eat nasi minyak and he would pour teh tarik on a saucer for me. Thinking about riding on his motorcycle with him to the warung always makes me smile. Occasionally, he would ask me to choose some random numbers for him to buy nombor ekor when we're at the warung. Haha. As I mentioned, he wasn't always an orang masjid. 

Despite the nombor ekor, that is my favorite childhood memory of him. Until this day, I haven't found nasi minyak as good as the one at that warung. I miss drinking teh tarik in the saucer. I miss my abah.