As an introvert, I have been spending a lot of time being alone. I go to movies alone, I eat meals alone and I walk around alone and it is fine. The solitude has never felt lonely and it is often calming. 

However, it doesn't mean that I don't enjoy the company of friends. In fact, I love going out with people. You might argue that I seem more of an ambivert than introvert but the fact that I have been spending most of my time alone more than with people would make me stand on the idea of me being mostly an introvert. 

I guess even though I'm an introvert, I am still a normal human being and we all know that humans are social creatures. Being alone all the time would make someone go crazy. As much as I enjoy my time alone in a fortress of solitude, I think I would go insane if I don't interact with people at all. 

Lately I have been feeling a lot of pressure from family and work and at this kind of moment that I realize how much I need a friend. I found myself missing all of the friends that I had and I am really hoping that I least one of them would just give me a call and ask me out to hang out. 

Welp, so far, my phone has not rang. And I feel that it is entirely my fault for being this stupid introvert who can't maintain any kinds of friendship. 

I've always been introverted. I've been this way since primary school and everyone thought of me as weird. It was a wonder how I had some best friends. 

My very first best friend was Abdul Rahim Adam. We were classmates through out primary school and he was always supportive of me. At that time, cell phones didn't exist so we talked on the land line almost everyday about school and homework. We rode bikes together and we talked about beating our bullies together. I loved him so much. 

But he suddenly changed when we were in secondary school. All of a sudden, he just stopped becoming my friend. No notice, no signs. He just stopped talking to me and stopped hanging out. It broke my heart to pieces. I wished he would have just explained why. I guess he outgrew me. Maybe I was holding him back. I still think about him though. Every time I pass his house, flashes of out times together would be played in my mind. I'm so pathetic. 

I found my second best friend when I was in form 4 or 5. Hafizul Mat. I loved this guy too. We became best friends because we read the same comic books. Every week, after a chapter came out, we would discuss about it and had the best time. He is a bit poyo but I didn't mind because he's fun to hang out with. 

Then, we graduated secondary school and just like that, our friendship ended. It's my fault. I suck at keeping in touch and maintaining long distance friendships. I don't even have his number nor friend him on Facebook. I tried searching for his traces online but nothing came up. I wish I can see him again. 

To be clear, these two are not the only friends I had. They are my best of friends. I do have other friends like Hudzaifah, Shahrin, Safuan, Marfiq, Saifullah and others. But Abdul Rahim Adam and Hafizul Mat were the closest. 

Gosh, Marfiq Haziq. I miss this guy. He's not my best friend but he was the kindest and most sincere person I've ever met. We were classmates in secondary school and I've always known him as a cheerful and kind person. Every time I talked to him, I can just feel his sincerity. You know, when you talk to genuine person, you just know. The aura is apparent and... you just know. I think you know what I mean. 

"Jangan mengeluh. Tak baik mengeluh." Those were his words that I remember the most.

He was the last friend I talked too before I moved from Terengganu to Negeri Sembilan. I wish I can see him again just to feel his kindness. 

My third best friend was Ridhwan whom I met in Pre-Degree at UiTM Lendu, Melaka. He was my roommate and he became a big brother to me. Maybe it was because I was so hopeless of a person that he took up the responsibility to take care of me. I was moneyless, friendless and a total dork when I started university life. His family was very nice to me too. 

After that, we proceeded to Degree at Kampus Bandaraya Melaka and I made more best friends. Alief, Fadzly, Alvin, Ridhwan and me. We were the Kubulicious or the Kubu Clan. Housemates and best of friends. 

To tell you the truth, Degree life at Bandar Melaka was the best moment of my life and it is mostly because of these four guys. We hang out and partied and had a lot of fun. I don't know what are their feelings towards me but for me, they're like my brothers and I think about them almost everyday. 

Then, life happens. We graduated and grew apart from each other. 

Ridhwan told me to keep in touch with him before we parted from each other but as I mentioned, I suck at that. It's all my fault. Sorry Ridhwan. You made such an effort to call me but stupid me just listened and not responded. After some time, you grew tired of me and just stopped calling. All my fault. 

I've been making some effort to keep being friends. I tried reaching out and invited them to hang out during some weekends. But it feels like I'm the one who is desperate to rekindle the fire while they all have moved on with their own lives. 

I feel tired. 

After them, I longer have any close friends. I can never find people who have the same wavelength as me and have the same interests. This is my own fault. Honestly, I don't really put much effort in finding a new best friend. I do want one. I do need one. But it is so hard for me to do it. Stupid me. 

Yes I married and many people say that you're best friends with your spouses. But it's not the same. Having a wife and having a best friend. It's not the same. Plus, my wife and I are completely the opposite of each other. Our interests are different. I wish I can talk about CSGO or manga with her but I think it would only bore her. We have been spending time a lot together but it just feels different if we do it with friends and I am sure she agrees with me. 

We need our own 'me time' which is completely healthy for a committed relationship. 

I wish I can change myself but it's so damn hard. Every thing is hard and I just want a friend to hang out. Not a friend to pour my feelings out but just to hang out.